Thursday, 30 December 2010

My review of the year

...............will be published soon

Thursday, 23 December 2010

Dear Santa or Dear Ben

I am writing you both, as I am not sure which of you is real.
I have few needs. They are all simple ones.

Dear Ben or Santa

I have lots of blankets in this cold weather to keep me warm . Some are hairy and furry. Some are old blankets belonging to THEM. Some are Cat blankets especially designed to be bought with me in mind  by the animal loving humans who always are a soft touch for a bit of fleece offcut styled and labelled Pet Blanket. So I dont need any.

I have lots of Cat Toys. I have mice.  I have feathers on poles. I have Bells. I never play with them. I do not need Cat Toys.

I have lots of Grooming Tools.  I have a brush with two sides like Janus. I have two combs. I even  have a green container for them to match the kitchen.  I do not need Grooming Tools.

Dear Santa or Dear Ben 
All I want is to see you. 
All I want is to have Turkey Breast with no salt gravy on Christmas Day

Love Samson

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

A suitable present for a boy...

They couldn't bring me back a present from the Metropolis, but they brought me back a picture of these dogs.I think they are a very clever mapping . I'm not sure how it was done , probably putting a picture of  Staffordshire China dogs into a CAD, and making a net, flattening it out and enlarging it. I think the cardboard  result is very good. Now what you dont realise is that these dogs are over 10 feet high. That's why they couldnt bring me even one. I think the Saachi was a bit slow here.  An A4 sheet of the net ready to cut out and put together would have been a really suitable present for a boy.

Friday, 3 December 2010

Warm and Cosy

I am fine in Cayton Carr.  I have a snuggly blanket and central heating.  They are stuck in the big City but dont care as London is great place to be hanging out.

Thursday, 25 November 2010

Craft Central Clerkenwell

Ben, Dear Master -You are so clever! I am at Cayton Carr just so THEY can come and check out your work.  I have heard THEM say that THEY are very proud of you! I take the credit. I am simply an INSPIRATION I know.

Friday, 19 November 2010

Hope SHE doesn't need anchovies today

I'm not a celebrity, so no one will vote to get me out of anywhere.  SHE however has made a big fuss and voted me off HER chair. It is so confusing for me.
 I am allowed to sleep on it when THEY go through the doors to that place upstairs that is forbidden to me. HE puts down my blanket, on the cushion which says CATSIDE and allows me to sleep there until SHE comes down the next day .  By then the kitchen will have been tidied by HIM, the dishes put away by HIM, My breakfast will have been put out for me by HIM , and SHE will have been taken a cup of tea by HIM.  SHE is spoilt.  Then SHE  has the cheek to say I am am a spoilt cat.  

Now why is it then that I am not allowed to have a rest on HER chair during the day time. It would be easy to leave my cushion and blanket on it all the time. But no,she will not be persuaded. Maybe when you go out then I ask?  Maybe when you're upstairs on the mac machine, or just doing a spot of putting the Dyson round upstairs?  But no SHE is adamant.  If we let him on during the daytime he'll start wanting his own way in other matters,I hear HER say to HIM. So THEY have compromised and put my things down on the little gray step thing SHE uses to get anchovies from the top of the cupboard, and HE never uses because HE is tall.
An aside here. My lovely furry blanket things, regularly washed by HER were a present from my Aunty Alison in Harrogate. They belonged to her feline , who died and went to cat heaven or not as your theology allows.  SHE by the way did a quiz, and came out as a Neo Orthodox , HE came out as an Evangelical Holy Methodist. I'm sure I would have come out as what ever the Top answer should be. But THEY dont know which one that is.

Thursday, 4 November 2010

Of Mice and Little Men

My favourite 

The little HIMS came to see me today. No.1 was so  thrilled with HIS purchase. HE loves me I know.  HE talks about me all the time.

  • May I go and see Samson?
  • Samson likes me doesn't he Mum?
  • May I give  Samson one of his treats?
Today Daughter to THEM and Mother of the little HIMS let No 1 buy me  a gift in the Scarborough Sainsbury place. I didn't exactly jump up and down with joy. Infact I was quite cool. As soon as THEY had gone home, No1 and No 2,  I had a good look. They are a very suitable and welcome present for a superior Cat.
So thank -you very much.
It is the first present I have had since my dear master Ben left me here in the wilds of the North and bought me  two white mice -long since disintegrated. 

Thursday, 21 October 2010

We all see the same moon , Ben

Full Moon over #Scarborough tonight, so clear and bright. on Twitpic

This is the moon over Scarborough tonight. Are you looking at it from Blackheath Ben? Missing you Ben . Are you looking at it in Filey my carers?Missing THEM. Don't worry I will be OK tomorrow. Cayton Carr is very pleasant. Its just that I'm not the top cat.

Sunday, 17 October 2010

The end of the Beef and Kidney

Another milestone in this house. I could just not believe it.

I have been working hard on my pleading for food. Sometimes I just get the timing wrong.  Just after my breakfast  is not the time to ask for another tasty pouch of tuna goodness. Neither it seems is mid- morning, her time ,a good time. She doesn't realise that throughout the night I have been having forays into the land of mice, frogs and slugs known as the grounds.  I think of HER mid-morning as my mid-afternoon. I should really have had a coffee, a  cup a soup lunch  and a digestive biscuit if I was a human being.
SHE gives me what SHE calls Cat Crunch to eat for the  rest of the day after pouch  breakfast heaven. I did hear lovely vet lady say that I should have Cat Crunch mostly. It is , it seems , good for me. I have however managed to make so much noise at what SHE calls nearly dinner time, and HE calls time for Neighbours, that I have managed to condition her into giving me some little tasty meat treat when SHE is getting HIS dinner ready, and HE is learning to speak the australian language.

Today was a triumph of  my subtle persuasion. I am winning. Look away now if you are of a Hygiene and Health and Safety disposition.
Not only did I get the end of the beef and kidney, but I got it in the Spode dish. 

Friday, 15 October 2010


I do not even have to ask for it..........

It is always  there , fresh and clean every day.
No effort has gone into the supply of it by HIM and HER.  THEY just go to the tap and turn it on  and out comes the life giving stream. All THEY have to do is pay their bill for it.I realise that Yorkshire Water work very hard to produce the service THEY pay for.Nevertheless it would not be possible at all without the geography of this part of Yorkshire, England, Europe, the World. Filtered by the chalk seabed of millions of years of provision I have enjoyed the taste of this hard water for 2 years now.  It is delicious.

I am grateful.

And if you are too -remember to support Water Aid.

Sunday, 26 September 2010

Ingvar Kamprad Elmtaryd Agunnaryd

I bet you didn't know that . SHE likes mnemonics. SHE has some favourite ones like Cats Often sit down carefully perhaps their joints creak. SHE knows that it is a geological time-line mostly done with camels but SHE has substituted Cats.On old olympus,s towering tops a Finn and German viewed some hops is something to do with a frogs head but SHE cant remember what. SHE has no idea what ABC Chimps means , but SHE had to learn it once for something for orders in the Periodic Table so it could be that.
 SHE has always known that pipeline under the ocean is PLUTO and so Ingvar Kamprad Elmtaryd Agunnaryd is a like device. I bet you have it now. IT is the name of my favourite shop.  I know that you BEN , dear Master, love that design shrine and home of tasty meatballs. SHE has only been once , but YOU and your SISTER HER have been lots of times. Now your Other SISTER HER who lives here in the wilds of the North has become a Big Fan. Here is a movie for you.You see why I like it.
I think they will have lots of complaints in Sweden. They are caninophobic. But that's their problem. As long as my species is represented and appreciated in the  CATalogues I feel I can hold my head up high as THEY all discuss SISTER HERS new kitchen , cotton duvet covers and DIME bar dessert.
I am not going to make any useful suggestions. I have heard that the LITTLE HIMS are coming here to the Kiaora house at half term for many days , whilst boxes are unpacked and flatpacks unflatpacked. 

Wednesday, 22 September 2010

THEY have thought of everything, ALMOST...

Well , I have no complaints at all about the standard of care THEY have given me. THEY have made provision for everything.

But I have this against THEM, THEY have forgotten my first love. I am not the atheist cat they think I am. I am not going to be left behind. I am on my own journey. 

Friday, 17 September 2010

THEY thought about me when they were in Sussex

 Its doesn't take much for THEM to be reminded of me.  I know that when THEY are in foreign parts every cat they see triggers a fond thought. I wonder how darling Samson is , or something like that.THEY are not stupid or narrow minded when it comes to cats. They are nor besotted or out of control with THEIR  thoughts and purchases. I know THEY  will not embarrass me at Cayton Carr by sending me a Postcard, or ringing to see if I am OK. THEY know that I am well adjusted, independent,  nonchalant even when it comes to remembrance of times past when THEY were still around , and caring for my every need. I just don't need THEM all the time. I too  require a break from THEM. I like to ponder, to cogitate and sit and watch the other guests . I can see them in their parallel runs. I call it cat watching. I could and can do it for hours. SHE does it in Marks and Spencers in Brighton.
SHE sat there for an hour on Monday this week , in the entrance, with all the old ladies and men. SHE saw some sights too. SHE was mesmerized by some of the outfits, hats, shoes and sizes of the sussex yeomanry and yeowomenry.

When THEY  were at the Festival in the Park , at Burgess Hill last Saturday THEY took a picture especially for me . THEY thought it would make me laugh. It is of a dog wearing a coat during a shower of rain. SHE knows I love the ridiculous, owners of course, not the poor dog-  the very idea.
THEY also took a photo of a cat they thought I might like, doing the very thing they have chastised me for.

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

The Message

I know quite a lot about Bibles. THEY have a selection of them.  Today SHE has been and bought another one . It is a New King James , New Spirit Filled Life Bible. She likes this one because it has got lots of notes, references and comments. Its good for HER to be quiet sometimes. SHE thinks SHE knows everything. There aren't any cats in the Bible, probably because the Egyptians loved them so much and the time in exile before the Exodus was not one of the best times for OT peoples.  I do have some relatives who were the GOOD GUYS though. Guess the story from the picture below. I prefer not to remember that David was good with a slingstone against wild lions however. 

I have had a good listen to all the translations . I have a clear favourite. It is called THE MESSAGE. It is not an accurate translation , more of a paraphrase for cats like me who need to hear words in simple and understandable language.  Now that I am a published author, and my article in the August edition of The Envoy received acclaim, it is very important that I am able to show the people of Filey Parish that I have a real faith and not one inherited from THEM. So I have started to listen in earnest to this paraphrase. It is in american slang , but I have had to endure so many editions of The Simpsons and CSI Miami whilst living here so I understand it perfectly well. 
I have a good bit I like from The Message
Be content with who you are, and don't put on airs.
God's strong hand is on you...
It is from 1Peter 5-humbled I am.

Wednesday, 25 August 2010

Waiting for housegroup

I am waiting for THEM to arrive. There is a group here tonight.It is called the Housegroup and THEY are all reading a book together called Hebrews. Mostly THEY laugh and use long words. I think it is a cover for a coffee drinkers CLUB. I can smell it already, waiting on the filter bed. SHE and HE have been to the Humber Bridge today , to the pub on Hessle Foreshore to celebrate HER sisters BIG birthday.  Little HE went as well, and was very good, so I overheard HER telling His mother. I have had a boring day.  Just nothing went on at all. The generator is silent next door at the Building site.They are having a Holiday I think. No one came , and even the birds stayed put in the big tree.
So I'm glad its housegroup and I'm sitting on the drive waiting for THEM to arrive.

Monday, 23 August 2010

Oh! Greyscale me

I have made HER go into GIMP and greyscale me. SHE has her instructions.She is to e -mail me to Stephanie Pride at the Filey Mercury before it is too late.  SHE  knows how to do attachments. I do so want to appear in our local paper before it is too late. I don't quite know which page would suit my visage best. 

The Houses for sale Pages
I know I am not a house for sale. There are plenty of those at the moment in the Mercury. When we have to use just the Scarborough Evening News, the house buying habits of the town will be revolutionised. No longer will Filey be seen as Paradise. All over this small place the potential movers will realise that there are houses to buy in Scalby, Burniston, Falsgrave and Wheatcroft. Lebberston and Gristhorpe will cease to be out of town and Cloughton will be a suburb. The Filey Gene pool will be further mixed and all will benefit.
The Small Ads
Now I certainly do not want my picture appearing on this page. I am not for sale. I am quite happy with HIM and HER.
Front Page  I would of course like to be a headline

Beautiful cat  at Kiaora wins!
followed by a 
Lead Story
It was announced today that Samson has won the prize for the best cat blogger in the UK. Filey is so honoured that he is an adopted son . 'This is even better than winning Britain in Bloom' said his servants HIM and HER, whose stunning garden has won many national prizes.

Yes! I could fit in here. My fitness regime and claw sharpening technique on the Tree are worthy of a Sports Page. I have twice run so fast that I have outwitted starlings as well as sparrows.I am not a team player though and the Mercury does like to show off the prowess of all the football teams with their interesting logos, Dixons, Smarts , Dales and the latest one Tescos -by -the -sea.

Coffee Mornings and Summer Fayres Page
SHE never goes to any of these so I dont see why I should appear on such a page.  It would seem so disloyal.

Births Marriages and Deaths
The very idea!

Letters to the Editor

Dear Stephanie Pride, 
I meant to write to you before this, and tell you how much I like your style. I wish you well in your new role or job. SHE and HE read the Times, so you might like to try there. Ruth Gledhill (HER favourite ,is behind a paywall now  with Times Online)I dont know what the world is coming to.
Yours sincerely
World News
I think I could be World News, after all I am Literate so maybe this would be the right page for me.I have heard of TS Elliot and Paul Gallico and have statues of my relatives in the British Museum from ancient Egypt. 

I don't know much about your editor at the Filey Mercury. He must have lost his job now or been sidelined into the SBN. His column inches would suit me best of all . So put me there and I will be a content Kiaora Cat.

RIP Filey Mercury

Sunday, 22 August 2010

Dear Louise

Thank you for saying lovely things about me. I am your fan too, for as long as I can still see you ,as you are disappearing before my cat eyes these days. SHE liked your outfit yesterday, and said I would too, as I have good taste and fashion sense like my beloved master Benjamin.
I am a bit peeved that no one thought to send me a bit of cake from the party, or even a scrape of the salmon paste from the scones , or a morsel of smoked salmon. I waited for THEM to come home , and greeted THEM wildly  when the car rolled back but my needs were forgotten.

Sunday, 15 August 2010

I am a thief

Those bits of bacon Fat were for the birds. I am eagle eyed,I am quick , I am agile.

Thursday, 12 August 2010

Not doing much

I managed to get on the cushions in the sitting room this afternoon. HE is watching Upstairs Downstairs. Lady Marjorie has just gone down on the Titanic. I have come in from the garden for a while. Mostly I sit around under  the Acanthus, like last year in August. This year I have not been to have my fur clipped by Lovely Lady In Scarborough. As my fur is still luxuriant I do not get cold, so I can stay out all night by the back door-well thats what THEY think. I do like to come in with HIM in the afternoon. We snooze , HE in his small corner and I in mine. HE still has to rest , as the Doctor said so . SHE has no such joy, and is to be found with watering can or potato knife, shopping trolley or  clothes pegs.

Wednesday, 28 July 2010

Dear Samson

I am really missing you.  It is chaos here. The little HERS have just woken up, and won't be down for a while so I am pouring it all out to you.  Hope you have got a cat iphone4 at Cayton Carr.
Where your bowl was there are now shoes carelessly dumped  frequently all day. 
THEY  don't wear them indoors like normal people. We keep ours on all day don't we Samson, and you never take yours off. Outside the back door where you spend evenings in contemplation looking at the stars, the bird tree and the mouse hole is a tangle of paraphernalia.

I liked getting ready your simple out of the pouch or box meals.  It required no thought whatsoever. I now have to think gluten free, additive free, and I don't mind , but my brain is often on another planet.

HE is stricken. HE is unable to walk. He has got arthritis in HIS knee and has to rest HIS leg all the time until the swelling goes down, which it hasn't , even though he is having frozen peas on it every hour. He is not allowed any pills as they would argue with his others, so he is grinning and bearing it. He has received laying on of hands for healing, so waiting for it to work. I am no  good at being a nurse as you know. Little HERS mother , our little HER is very good . You too would be a very soothing presence, so have a good time and  WISH YOU WERE HERE, love  MUM

Thursday, 22 July 2010

I have heard the C....... word

I think it must be tomorrow, as I have heard the word, SHE has brushed me and so I Have been sick up the Hall. That is because I would rather stay here and see the little HERS.

Tuesday, 13 July 2010

Two weeks left

I will be going away soon. The little HERS will be coming back and I will be sent to my luxury holiday home at Cayton Carrs. Now I know this is because the Little HERS cannot be near my beautiful fur. This is such  a shame .  My presence amongst THEM could  have really added to their enjoyment . I could have shown them all my special places in the garden.I could have helped them learn to be still and catch birds in a pounce.  I could have led them astray . Little HIMS are in my gang already. I am William to their Ginger and Douglas. Little HERs could have fought it out for Violet Elizabeth.
I am not going to grumble any more. I have already had lots of fun in their Pirate Ship. HE is still fixing it up-looking for a plank to walk and a wheel to turn . I have spent many a night on deck or up the crows nest. I am not joining the Sikhs -that is a cutlass you see beside me.

Thursday, 1 July 2010

My Ist July

I have been listening all week to the noise of the JCB next door as it knocks down my playground.  For 3 nights now I have been sitting outside the back door  or up my tree waiting for the rats leaving a sinking pub. All my special  places of the night have gone now.  Even the piles of bricks , wood, broken tiles and years of rubbish have gone off in a lorry to the land of Fill. So , dear Ben, you will realise that my vigilence, night snooping, rat hunting and fire watching have made me rather tired. I haven't caught a single rat.  But I am ready.
I was just minding my own business this morning when I was entrapped in the kitchen. THEY move quickly when THEY have to, and so as I sauntered to see if anything was left in my breakfast bowl there  was a hurried closing of doors and the catflap.  I tried to think what was the purpose of this infringement of my cat rights, but then spotted the Cat Box. Good , I am off to Cayton Carr , Good I am off to Harfields Beauty Cat Parlour. But I was wrong . I was taken to the Vet. I go there so rarely I had forgotten to include it in my brain sort.
I just wish THEY had told me. I could have prepared, and planned my defences for the broken tooth I knew VET SHE would find. 
I had quite an interesting time in the waiting room. There were 3 dogs, one black Poodle , one Jack Russell and one brown Heinz 57 . As the only member of the Felidae  I oozed grace, beauty , and fearlessness from my Cat Box. My turn came very quickly, I expect VET SHE hurried the dogs through when SHE heard I was in the waiting room. She was suitably impressed with my appearance , did my injections very quickly , and then looked me over. Yes SHE did find my broken tooth, and has given THEM instructions to monitor it. Otherwise SHE  had no concerns whatsoever. I think I am HER favourite cat in FILEY.

I certainly know how to pile on the charm, Ben. Do you know , when THEY took me back outside to go to the car, I found out that the excellent Filey Veterinary Practice Ltd had actually paid to have a special seat put outside their front window just for HIM and my Cat box, and a lovely Hanging basket for me to admire and appreciate.  HOW KIND!

Sunday, 27 June 2010

I am going to get some football boots

I am so upset. No cheers from the sitting room.  SHE and HE are very downcast. THEY think the England football team ought to be paid by results.  That should do the trick!

Tuesday, 22 June 2010

My Exciting Day

I have been here 2 years now. I have definitely mastered this house, the inhabitants, the neighbours, and the small park in which to lose myself .  
I am very sorry that the really lovely HER from Anchorage has died . She was the best person around to understand how I felt. She was a real feline lover , not just a get on with it sort like HIM and HER here at Kiaora. I will try and be really kind to her Black and White  feline friend and make sure he never gets any Fish as it makes him ill.

A 24' totem pole has today been erected just over the wall from my dwelling. I enjoyed watching it arrive and the ensuing banter, tea break, skill with drill  and pop into slot that went on. Only half a mornings work too. Well done the Workmen of England, you are more skilled than your country's football team.

Thursday, 3 June 2010

Watching for Herring Gulls

SHE spotted me on the RED thing this morning when SHE finally graced HIM and I with HER presence. 
I think it amazed HER that I could actually jump up and look so nonchalant. I expect in HER minds Colour Wheel the juxtaposition of my steely gray  against the red of the moving one pleased HER.

I have a reason for doing everything. I am not a creature of whim and fancy. I am deliberate, calculating  and premeditated in my every move.  I didnt just jump up to make a Calendar picture or a Still life with CAT. I was defending the castle. They will thank me when they realise. I am scaring off the Herring Gull who has been cavorting with another one on  the roof  above the kitchen , and all the time doing it from the Bonnet of the red thing every morning . I don't have to stand up for Myself, for SHE has just spotted the sandy webbed footprints on the bonnet and knows THEY were here first. She now knows I am indispensable.

Sunday, 23 May 2010

I have a rival, well I did have.

Becky is like me a Home Counties habitue. She is Surrey and I am Sussex so technically I am nearer to the country land. The Sunday Times today argues that there is no longer any real country, that its all been taken over by people with second homes. Clearly they have never been to Burton Fleming or Kilham, Thixendale or Rudston. 
She, my rival ,  however has a huge hunting ground in suburbia, but I though now domiciled in the wilds of the North never choose to stray from my walled garden. I still claim to be nearer to real fields.

Becky is allowed upstairs whilst I can only dream of the delights of a soft duvet, humans to warm me in the winter and to nudge in to breakfast action. I think THEY are mean not allowing me to have the run of the house. I see from her picture that Becky is a short haired cat. I at least have the distinction of being truly beautiful. They will not stray from me to admire another. I had a rival, but I know she is forgotten already.

Wednesday, 28 April 2010

My productive day so far

Sat by back door to repel the nasty Herring Gulls.
They are a terrible nuisance for THEM.
They deliberately soil the clean washing on the line.
They deliberately soil the car.
They dive bomb passers by.
Sat by wall to watch the nasty pigeons.
They eat lettuce seedlings.
They pick bits of string from the sweet pea wigwam.
They deliberately soil the water butt when looking for seed.
Wanted to sit in the greenhouse
and watch the world go by after my hectic morning.

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

Doing what cats do

They are blaming me . Give a cat a bad name and all that. I remember last year I got blamed too. SHE is very upset as SHE watches the Collared Dove not flying round the garden. Its moving around the undergrowth and then coming out to peck up the Bird Seed when I am sleeping somewhere. She is upset because it seems to be injured, and SHE thinks it could be me wot dun it  .Yes !it has some feathers missing, and a broken wing.  Yes it cant fly and yes! yes! yes! SHE is upset.  I heard HER telling HIM she ought to put it in the derelict Pub garden next door.  HE said 'a cat will just get it'.  SHE cant face putting it out of its misery,after all that's interfering with nature. 
But SHE keeps throwing bits of bird seed into quiet places for it.I keep looking at those Herring Gulls and hoping to divert HER thoughts.  After all, they are vicious brutes and do real damage here. They dive bomb passers by, they nest on roofs very near here and deliberately spray the washing with limewash, they walk over cars and scratch them, and snatch food from people , and rip open rubbish bags scattering nappies, and Export cans around the street.
So I am hoping that SHE will concentrate on blaming the Gulls.  They do attack starlings in Filey.
Oh dear HE has just found the dead blackbird behind the Wheely bin. He will know that a Gull couldn't get in that space.

Me , what me !  No , I have been here all day.

Sunday, 11 April 2010

I wonder where dem boidies iz

I wonder where dem boidies iz?
My life has taken a turn for the better. Spring has sprung. I am poised, alert, and fit . SHE has started HER outdoor life again.  THEY are wearing threadbare clothes and aprons saying slogans that would embarrass a gardener in his world, doing tech speak and taking frequent  tea breaks in the sunny corner.  They do more mugs of tea than they do real GW stuff.
I watch them of course, and listen, its good to be out and about with them.I just love their tech speak.
Lets put the Echiums in front of the wall
Is it a pininana  or a wildpretti  
I think its a cross
What colour will fastuosum be
and 5'high
What about italicum
I just go and Google it on Images

Yes, they are moving the plants out of the greenhouse again. Good news , I can sit in there again and watch the boides. I give them a week.  HE will move plant pots all week.  He will annoy HER by tipping the dead ones in the wrong place.SHE will annoy HIM by insisting HE cleans the greenhouse out with Jeyes Fluid.  HE will dab it around a bit and say HE'S done it.  BUT I will be back on my Lounger, watching and waiting.

Then I might go out with them whilst they have another mug of tea, and read the Sunday Times, THEM I mean. I am wondering where dem boides iz?