Sunday, 27 December 2009

Not what it seems

Tell me what you see Ben!
Blinds in the window of a house. Five miniature cyclamen plants in a trough in front of window in front of house. Glimpse of green louvred window shutters in front of house. Cream cat sitting lying in window of house ,in front of neat venetian blinds, parallel with trough of tastefully planted cyclamen plants on window ledge of Early Victorian cottage, with green shutters,  in a North Laine in Brighton.
No! It is a dead stuffed cat.

Sunday, 6 December 2009

Too many Style Magazines

I have been sitting around looking attractive for over 13 years.  I dont know exactly  for how  many Feline years I  have stalked the earth going this way and that. My Paperwork is only for those people whose name begins with v ... and of course my lovely lady at Harfields.
When I first chose to stay with HIM and HER in this coastal town somewhere on the East Coast, you dear master gave THEM instructions for keeping my fur well groomed. So I am writing to give you my archdeacons inspection  of a report on my maintenance.

For the first six months of my domicile SHE tried to brush me with that lethal weapon you called a brush.  SHE said it was more like a carding comb   in the cloth making process, so vicious was it upon my poor but lovely fur. SHE struggled on until this summer.  Sometimes I let HER brush my back for all of 2 minutes, but I didnt like it.  SHE wore yellow gloves always, and I would saunter up to HER when I saw her put them on.  SHE had to hold my collar to keep me in brushing distance.

There has been a change. SHE has bought a new brush.  OH, the difference! Not only do I bound up to HER now when I see the yellow gloves but I positively look forward to it.  Now as I am being made tangle -free and attractive  I roll over for her so that SHE can do my tummy , and I let her brush me for as long as SHE wants. I purr, I look at HER with those 'food please eyes'.  I meet HER gaze and let HER know that I am perfectly satisfied with HER standard of care.  I do not need GOK whatever his name is.  I do not need to be spoken to in simpering tones(SHE doesnt do simpering). I am gorgeous,  I'm  just too cosy to get up from the chair and show you.

Saturday, 14 November 2009

Planning Permission

THEY have been on the phone to solicitors , neighbours , and some of their children all week. Today they have had a visit from a neighbour they know.  He was here for over 2 hours and they had not even had their breakfast.  I digress here to say it was 10 o'clock. This afternoon they had a visit from a neighbour they have never met before.  He was here for 1 hour.
SHE is amazing .  Not only can she access the Scarborough Borough Council's planning portal, but she knows how to find all the letters from interested people in Filey who are commenting on the proposals for Affordable housing in this Conservation Area of the small town I now call home. I have been listening to the things SHE has been saying the THEM and HIM. She knows words I have never heard before, and they were not expletives . SHE has a grasp of the social history of Filey that it doesnt even know it has itself. SHE is using strange new words and phrases like 'done deal' and 'no brainer' and 'money talks'. She is looking at Old Maps and the Bible. SHE is determined that people who need a home must have one. SHE is investigating Night Shelters and Charities for the homeless. SHE has been to talks at Mothers Union.  SHE knows that many ex-service men are looking for Affordable Half way housing, as they get their lives back on track after dealing with Mental Health and Drug problems.
SHE has decided that SHE mustnt be a nimby. 
SHE needs however to stop digressing into ifs and buts and maybes and really consider my application for Affordable Housing of my OWN. I do not even have a bed I call MINE. THEY put bits of furry cloth on the seats they deem to allow me to sleep on. I am not asking for much. Many , many times I have to sit outside the back door hoping they will build me a small place of my own. I only have temporary accommodation , and only on certain days , when the Barometer is on 28 or 29.

Tuesday, 3 November 2009

A suitable place for a cat ?

I have only lived here for 485 days. In my reckless past I explored the neighbourhood, sniffed around, scratched a bit and took notes. Now I have widened my exploits. I am a Twitterer.  I am a Gourmet. I am an Entertainment. Best of all I procrastinate.
Shall I do lists of my Twitter interests? I am lying here in THEIR sitting room thinking about it. Here is my list of the lists
  • best cyberfriends
  • dogs I could relate to
  • THEM and THEIR friends
  • Cultural Interests for Felines
  • Other cats with interesting carers
Shall I think of the food I really like and think about ?
  • Caviar
  • Prawns
  • Steak and Kidney
  •  Dolcellate and Stinking Bishop
Shall  I think of the places in the house and grounds that show me to best advantage when subliminally messaging THEM that I need praise
  • On the sofa
  • On the Wheelie Bin
  • Lying  prone  or supine, both have had the desired effect
  • Looking asleep on the mat , exactly half-way , in front of the Firescreen.
  • On HIS Knee, whilst SHE has the camera.
Or shall I just think. Is the house warm?  Am I a lovely shade of gray?  Is Filey full of old people? Do we need Waitrose?  How many lives does a cat have? Do I want stay here?  Is it a suitable place for a cat?

Friday, 23 October 2009

Span sounds right for a cat

I think Cator Estate might have been made for me.  It's all in the name you see. Even Foxes Dale has an appeal. But do not worry Benjamin, I am not yearning to come back, as long as you and other HIM come and see me from time to time.  I see you have now got the means of transport for a quick getaway to the country.

Whilst THEY were away in Paris they did think of me. They brought me back a name and address of a possible friend that they spotted from the Promenade Plantee, pronounced plantay but SHE cant find the accent on the keyboard, and doesn't know how to insert symbols.

Tuesday, 6 October 2009

The news has filtered through

I hear that you are on holiday Ben. I hope you send me a postcard. HE was very pleased with the card you sent him last week.  He was very touched , whatever that means, as you are so far away you could not possibly have touched him literally, so I expect he meant it metaphorically.
I am getting my daily brush from HER, and my fur is beginning to grow again after my summer trim.
THEY dont seem to be doing much. HE went to Morpeth yesterday on a case, and SHE looked after the LITTLE HIM. HE is rather sweet, even though he strokes me rather a lot. I had to lash out at him yesterday, but SHE told LITTLE HIM to be careful, as SHE knows I do not like too much interference of a stroking nature except behind my ears. Dont worry, LITTLE HIM is not daft and has got the message. I am rather sick of hearing the Stick man story though.
If I hear those words again
'I'm Stickman , I'm Stickman , I'm Stickman thats me'
I shall have to get HER to try something more interesting to read to LITTLE HIM. Have you any good ideas?

I have a few

Orlando the Marmalade Cat
The Mousehole Cat
The Churchmouse

 I think LITTLE HIM is still too small for Old Possums' Book of Practical Cats, but it may be aimed at , as a target so to speak.

I will persuade HER to go to WRAYS and enlarge our Library of suitable books for my hearing. SHE must consider HER complete audience.

Saturday, 19 September 2009

Keeping Going

I try to keep myself busy.  Take today for example-I ate my breakfast, although HE gave it to me a little late I thought. Then SHE came downstairs, and was really late. SHE told HIM she was reading in bed, but I think 8 o'clock far too late to be making an appearance.Usually SHE is ready for shopping by then, to avoid the crowds on the streets of this little seaside town. So , I thought I would ask HER for another breakfast. I sat at the foot of the stairs.  I got up and purred when SHE walked past.  I followed HER in to the kitchen and continued to purr.  Its working I thought.  SHE knows HE is in HIS bathroom, and as it is so late will assume HE has forgotten my breakfast.  After all HER cup of tea in bed  was late, SHE told HIM so. I thought it was working.  SHE liked the purring.  SHE liked it when I followed her to HIS bathroom door.  I continued to purr and SHE said
'Poor Samson, do you want your breakfast ?'
I purred in the affirmative, but SHE was too clever for me , and called through the bathroom door and asked if HE had fed me.  Oh, well it was worth a try.
I am playing the poor tired cat now.

Friday, 11 September 2009

Yes , I am still talking to you

It has taken me ages to get back into the swing of being home . My sojourn on the Carrs, although a technical success has given me a 'bit of a breakdown' (Gumboots).You agreed with HER when I presented THEM with that bird at the back door that I wasn't quite myself. I haven't been into Therapy or read the advice column  in The Sunday Times .  I have just waited until my dark night of the catsoul has passed.  I have had to go into hiding somedays, when those painters were here doing the outside of the house. They were quite sympathetic actually, and mercifully called me no derogatory names, never moved my green feeding bowl, and didnt moan once when they were painting a metre away from my L..... Tr...
I have worked through these disruptions to my wellbeing. I am a well rounded feline,able to discuss my thoughts and feelings with you Ben.  I know you will always affirm me, and give me permission to be myself.
I didnt consider it an indignity when SHE made me wear a new collar. She bought it to match my bowl. Co-ordinated accoutrements are not necessary in the Cat World , but I have given HER permission to be herself too.

Wednesday, 29 July 2009


Really good name Ben, and just the sort felines like me can identify with. Wild things are HERE .

Tuesday, 28 July 2009

I am a very happy cat

I am glad you have had the good sense to become a twitterer Benjamin. Did you get the useful Glossary of terms I sent you on HER facebook page. If not here it is againTWITTONARY. You will like this . SHE reminds you that this is not an exhaustive list. There is also the Twurch of England , which SHE thinks at the moment is better than the real thing. This is due in HER opinion to the failure of the real thing to get on with business of doing its job of getting ready to be a bride. At this rate it will be only a number of disappointed bridesmaids. If you dont understand this Benjamin, dont worry. SHE reads too many blogs that are good for her. You should see her list on Google Reader. Be assured , some are about Moths, one of HER favourites, some are about plants, besides the r.l.g.o.s ones.
How did you come to call yourself by such a soupy name? Please tell. Did you know that to some people the English smell of cabbage? You all smell of moisturiser to me. I wont have time to blog for a bit as I think I have to go to Cayton Carr again. I heard HIM on the phone booking me in.

Thursday, 9 July 2009

Harfields Again

If you are following me on Twitter , where I am known as Fileysamson you will remember that yesterday THEY took me to Scarborough. I knew it would be somewhere good as SHE said I was going to be a lovely boy with no hint of a lie in HER voice. I can tell. I always know when SHE puts the worming pill in my tuna in jelly.
It was a lovely ride to Scarborough . I didnt make a fuss. I sat and looked at the view-the back of HIS head, the back of HER head, and in the space between; trees, the Chip Factory (lovely smell), a dead football stadium,B and Q and then the road to the LITTLE HIMS house, HIS footclinic and then that Victorian Ironwork which says road to Harfields to me. You might have read my account 'Harfields' in June 2008
I remembered my visit to LOVELY LADY , and hoped she would be there again. And She was. I had a memorable afternoon. I had time to talk to other four footed people called Canines. I behaved well ,I think,and even let her do my Tail. I must say I look very different. I made HER take some pictures to send you Benjamin. I have got some catUGG boots now, as you will see. Three are Grey and one is White.I know you had them first, but they have only just brought them out in my size so I have had to wait to hit the North with my fashion statement.
My tail looks good don't you think? It will be so much easier now going out in the grounds. I will not get told off for coming through the catflap trailing Goosegrass and dead echium leaves. I will be cooler during the Filey season which starts soon. I am so busy showing off at the gate to passing holidaymakers, that I get hot and bothered and have to keep going in my hideouts for a cool down. Now I can maximize the time I take to receive adoration, bon mots and downright envy from families catching sight of my elegant form amongst the Eleagnus and summer bedding.

Saturday, 4 July 2009

Annual Report

Samson has fitted very well into his new domicile by the sea in the wilds of the North. He has made lots of relationships feline , avian,and human and is now able to tell the difference . He has learned a new language,and is now able to understand and communicate. His social skills vary , and change from day to day. Generally he is able to seek and find food, his litter tray (seasonal) and a place to sleep. In fact he has excelled in sleeping, and is sometimes able to continue the task for long periods of time. He is able to recognise calls and instructions though has been known to disregard them.
Samson is able to count to 3 (meals a day)
He has a good concept of time and is always at the foot of the stairs in the morning.
He can judge distances .
Previous blogposts will demonstrate that Samson is well read and able to comment and criticise texts that have interested him. He has however shown no initiative in visiting libraries or accessing websites other than his own and his Twitter account-Fileysamson.This is disappointing as he does need to broaden his views.
He has learned all the features his surroundings ,is able to name paths and walkways and features. (Mount Compost Bin, Mount Wheelie Bin, Mount John Innes Bin, Greenhouse walk, Peaony Drive ,Car place and Snail and Frog bushes etc).
We are very pleased that Samson remembered events a year ago ;his first trip to Mrs Hairsines Vetinary Establishment, Cayton Carr Catteries and Harfield Grooming Parlour so that second visits had the benefit of previous experience.
Religious Knowledge
His renowned post Monasticism and Feline Devotions has earned him a Fellowship in the Filey Movement. He is waiting to be called the Blessed Samson when miracles are credited to him . He has no plans to convert to Roman Catisism , as he feels the broad church of Anglicatism is graced with his presence. He has plans to catch and unmask The Churchmouse whose popular blog is second only to his own.
Samson has shown a natural aptitude for this subject. He readily learned how to use a Mac operating system, loves Firefox, has his own Twitter account and knows that alt3 is hash # on the Mac keyboard. He needs to spend more time cleaning his screen and checking he has not left standby lights on during the human rest period.
He does not enjoy this subject, but tries to join in with the caterwauling choir when it occasionally sings outside the back door in the small hours.
Samson learned from Benjamin to hide when all mention of these subjects reach his furry ears.

School Clubs and Activities
Samson belongs to We got an Echium through the winter Facebook Group, I always run out of the room when the Dyson appears Club, More food please club and Scratch all who try to brush me Group.

Targets for the coming year

To leave the sitting room immediately Bedtime is announced
To refrain from using any but designated Lounging areas in communal indoor spaces .

Headmasters Comment
I am pleased that Samson has settled in so well and is making such good use of the excellent facilities and Education we provide.MMR

Saturday, 27 June 2009

A little time on my own

That is what SHE is always saying to THEM. She needs some space. You answer the phone. I'll just go upstairs and check the e-mails . I'll water the greenhouse. What SHE really means is 'I need a little time on my own'. SHE cant really handle pressure.
And me -well I just go off and lie down somewhere.

Sunday, 31 May 2009

My Pentecost

I have had to hide today . It is not that I don't like Tongues of Fire or Mighty winds but it was just too hot to bear in the garden today. Even at nine o'clock in the morning I was hiding. No one could accuse me of being drunk or anything. I had, its true ,needed some laps of aqua tap, after my breakfast of a tuna and haddock pouch,but my behaviour was at all times above reproach. I am not about to go and join the Full Gospel Business Cats Fellowship or anything . If you don't like the heat , stay out of the kit(ten)chen, my mother always said. It was so very hot. I actually did spend some time thinking about Pentecost. I hope all those people like HER sister managed to read all those CaTTadocia type words in the Acts lesson today. SHE had to read the gospel which was easy. I am more a still small voice type of cat.

Monday, 25 May 2009

Bank Holiday Monday Munro

SHE has been grumpy with me recently. HE tried to side with her but I sense he is just going along with her to keep HER quiet. I think YOU would see my point of view . I know that when I was with YOU and HIM in Lewes I had great views. I could see the castle. I could see the Downs. I nearly could see Waitrose.
Here there is nothing much to see . I am not allowed to the top of the house to see the view of the sea. I see the garden of course. I like it on top of the Compost Bin Munro. Hope you are reading this James and Clare, or are you too busy bagging at the moment in Mull.
SHE has been grumpy with me because I have been going to the top of things to see the view. Some are very difficult. I have to do foothills first and then short leaps. Others are tricky rather than difficult. I have to cross slippy terrain without benefit of special footwear. Some are simply dangerous and need much planning and forward thinking.
When Ranulph F. got to the top of Everest last week it was not the only piece of mountaineering news, but my exploits were buried . I have retaliated . I now send the unsuspecting world the first pictures of the ascent of Dining Table.

Friday, 15 May 2009

Spring has sprung ,the grass is riz

I am venturing out a little. The sun is out so why not? I wonder where those birdies is? I was on duty yesterday . I heard a commotion in the grounds. A crow was trying to raid the nest of the Wood Pigeon. SHE ran out and screamed at it , and it flew off. I waited around to see what would happen. I waited around to see if I was needed. I waited around to see if there was anything in it for me. There wasn't so I settled down for a rest.

Thursday, 7 May 2009

Reighton Nursery and the Tooth Fairy cat

I sympathise with you Ben , honest I do. But at the moment I am having a little rest. I have been having a little rest all day today on the chair in the sitting room. The sun has been out and THEY have been acting appropriately. First THEY went to the Bottle Bank at Rudston. THEY like that one because SHE likes a drive over the Wolds. She likes the field of yellow , and the potholes and passing places, and ancient places with names like Argham and Bartindale, with nods to the Iron Age. Today SHE saw a hare.
After their sojourn at the Recycling place by the Gypsey Race (dry) at Rudston they enjoyed a trip to their favourite place. I made HER put a picture of it here for you. I know I would have liked it as plenty of Nepeta Cataria is there.

No , those are something else, Lazy Lizzies I think, and a rogue tray of Begonias. I digress, they made full use of the sun by doing lots of gardening. I stayed asleep in the sitting room. At four O,clock SHE made a noise to suggest I ought to get some fresh air so I obliged for an hour on the burning deck.
Fortunately THEY remembered to smooth down my rug for my return to the sitting room for 'Neighbours', and their important phonecall to you DEAR MASTER.
Now we have my suggestion, would you like me to come and Look after you. I can do soft food (pouches only) and would make sure you were warm and comfortable. I have been to that vet person myself for attention to teeth. It was really worth it, I have felt the benefit ever since, despite the huge bill. You will be so glad to have availed yourself of the services of what sounds like a very pleasant and efficient Tooth person. I have got my uniform ready , and can be with you to assist and soothe , just say the word.

Monday, 4 May 2009

Carol Ann

The boy stood on the burning deck whence all the birds had fled
he liked the view, he liked the flag, the wreck with him amok.
Crocosmia Lucifer , bright and beautiful he could be , a hero,blog and helm and verdant dock.

Tuesday, 28 April 2009


Now that SHE has found out what Kiaora means , and is happy with the connotation SHE is thinking of changing the title of MY BLOG. What a B .....cheek! My domicile has been called Kiaora for many many years. All the local Jenkinsons, Cammishes, Scaifes and Cappelmen and Hunters know this kiaorapad of mine. Our Betterware lady was born here and she knows all about it. The retired doctor missioner calls it 'Squash house', and the Kiaora word is on the utility bills. If you type Kiaoracat in to Google you come to me , now very high up 3 from top. What shall she do Benjamin ? Shall SHE call the blog Kiaoracat, do you want me to be famous, or are you happy with the status quo?
I want to keep the Samson title, after all it is what you so rightly named me. I am strong and have lots of fur, and although I have no intention of looking for a Delilah, my op you understand,I am certainly a servant of the Living God as you will see from my blog last week.

Saturday, 18 April 2009

Monasticism and Feline Devotions

Did you miss my musings? I am back in what I suppose you would call the Mother House. My time in the cathusian monastry of Cayton Carr has been a tranquil and productive time. I have had a longer retreat this time. A month in the country you could call it. Sometimes the wind from the east brought the sounds of small THEM at Playdale. I think I heard Z and R, E and M one day with their Mothers I and A. I made a fuss some days and hissed at the lay sister. She didnt deserve it , I was very well looked after in my room ( or cell I suppose ) and have done penance. I have not done the things I ought to have done and I have done the things I ought not to have done . Like Mount Grace Priory the idea of the cathusian monastry in Cayton is the same. All the cats have a bed in a pleasant cell, a small walk out of the flap to a yard where catmint could have been grown in pots and a place to parambulate whilst thinking about what God might be saying to you today. The cell itself had a cosy bed space, and a hatch where the lay sister passed my food every day.
I had plenty of time to meditate after doing the daily office. Corporate worship was not allowed , and so although I could sense the presence of other monks and sometimes hear them , singing through the cell walls was not encouraged. I know you have all been celebrating the Easter Triduum, and I thought of you all. I know that for instance you dear master would have bought lots of sweetmeats of the ovoid kind from St Marks and Spencer, and that your mother SHE will have done the flowers at ST Oswalds. I know that SHE and your father HE will have meditated much on Good Friday and been to the Sunrise service on the Country Park on Easter Morn. How did Choral Evensong go? I did miss hearing the family banter.
BUT I am a changed cat. I have had time to think in my cell. I realise that the Dissolution was for cats a good thing. I need fellowship and the chance to share my spiritual gifts among you all, for the good of the Body you understand. Charterhouse is not for me. I am confined in Kiaora for a few days, and then I will be able to regain the land the locusts may have eaten.

Saturday, 7 March 2009

Twitter stuff

Dear Ben ,
Since I was forced to come and live with your aged parents in the wilds of the North Yorkshire Coast I have not grumbled once. Until now.
My food no longer comes with the smell of Waitrose , my blanket is more bracing fresh air from a washing line than Febreze and other southern inventions, the sparrows here are all common and have never seen a London Bus (with interesting non religious comments). I have had to share my abode with dubious small children who dangle things over me and try and give me digestive biscuits. I miss YOU and other HIM for your lifestyle, your love of the avant -garde, your love of camper vans , e-bay , Glyndebourne,Sweden. Your appreciation of Seth Lakeman , your joy in a simple meal with broccoli and pine nuts. You have no idea what I have to endure in this cultural backwater.
It was just bearable when I was able to share my thoughts on this blog , knowing that you were tenderly reading them.
Now however you have disappointed me. You have not sent me a single Tweet.
A positive thing about your mother, apart from the fact that SHE brushes me every day, is that she keeps up with the cybernetworking scene. This way I do find out about what is going on in my dear South. I dont have to buy the Guardian , I have Facebook to remember YOU and HIM by, that is until Now. Benjamin, my dear master, please start to Twitter to me. You will like it as I do, but it is no use to me at all without YOU and other HIM keeping me in touch with a wider world. I want to know about life in the Great Capital. I want you to twitter to me about the exhibitions and restaurants, the paintings you have seen and your trips to Ikea (a foreign country here).

Wednesday, 4 March 2009

What I am doing for Lent

I have given up staying indoors all day. I am having more exercise. I am helping more about the place, watching the birds , looking for vermin, looking for frogs, looking for some decent food,supervising THEM. I think Spring might be soon.

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

A Prophecy for you

Well now you know what will be. I am going to be beatified. Living here with over 60's has been my training ground. I know their foibles. I can read HIS moods and HER moods. I know what pleases them ,and I spend my days devoting myself to their needs. I know that one day it will all be written down and called something like ' The practice of the presence of a divine feline' or 'Confessions of St Samson', or 'Revelations of the love of Divine chocolate' or 'Canticle of the cat creatures'.
In the meanwhile I will just be purrfect.

Friday, 6 February 2009

It was lovely to see you

I really enjoyed your visit. Thank you for all the provisions you got to ensure that I get some decent food. I don't really like the dried stuff. SHE only likes it because it is easy to use and so SHE doesn't have to wash up messy bowls. Thank you too for the feather ball on the stick. I will enjoy watching and listening as SHE tries to use it to encourage me to be playful. What does she think I am, a Kitten.I know you got it for all the right reasons. You want me to have more exercise, and it will be good for my stretching and feline pilates. SHE is really pleased with those quality dishes and plates you bought for HER and HIM. They used them tonight as they ate their Kedgeree. (The skin is on a bowl outside the back door, but I am pretending I haven't seen it). SHE said to HIM that THEY loved their day out in Whitby.
Here is a picture of me contemplating what is forbidden and banned.

Sunday, 1 February 2009

Meet me in the kitchen

I am really glad you have come to see me. YOU and other HIM. I have missed you. If you come into the kitchen you will see that my bowl is empty. The pouches are in the bag by the side of the fridge...Please Ben

Wednesday, 21 January 2009

Now you see what I mean

I was not making it up, I am being bullied. These felines are not my friends. Who do they think they are coming to my safe environment. They are worrying HIM and HER during the night with their caterwauling. It is not me at all. I told you at the onset. I am glad THEY have been spotted , and in broad daylight. Now you all see why I am scared to go out, and need extra facilities indoors. Two of them are new. Ginger I do not mind. They are not my gang. SHE is getting a new water pistol , whatever that is.

Wednesday, 7 January 2009

Fur Flying

Benjamin, SHE now knows what it means. SHE heard with her own ears, and flew downstairs to rescue me but HE got here first. It was that grey long haired feline with the yellow eyes. I tried to see him off, but was not quite quick enough. SHE sprayed some Savlon on my paws and made suitable caring type noises. I was impressed. I disappeared off for an hour. They couldn't find me and were worried. I heard her calling in that simpering concerned voice:
but I went to lick my wounds in my secret place and came back when I had licked the wretched Savlon off and done what cats do. SHE put a dish of my favourite food by the back door. I smelled it at once.
I am recovering now, am not limping and am playing it for all its worth.

Tuesday, 6 January 2009

The cold spell

Benjamin , I am in disgrace again. I am living here in the wilds of the North, where people talk in a peculiar way, wear nothing but North Face and Craghoppers and stupid hats like Sherpas,and I am expected to be one of them. It is far too cold to go out.I have been discreet but I have been found out.I now have to remain in the kitchen at night , and SHE keeps manhandling me and putting outside the back door with a simpering 'be a good boy'. How the mighty are fallen!
At least OLD SHE likes me and understands.